Truth About Teen Suicide ... What Parents Should Watch Out For
by Julia Green
Ladies Home Journal ... March Issue 2008
The Truth About Teen Suicide -- What Parents Should Watch Out For
One might think that suicide signals would be hard to miss. But sometimes, as in the case of Zack Toskovich from LHJ's March 2008 feature, the common signs are just not there. Read on to find out how to recognize and decipher the signals.
By Julia Green
Are There Warning Signs?
Sometimes you might see a big neon billboard amid a teen's chaotic emotional life that announces things are going poorly: Changes in eating and sleeping habits. Substance abuse. A waning interest in social activities. Withdrawal from friends and family members. Difficulty getting along with others. A decline in grades or a sudden generosity with possessions. An experience of negative setbacks or overreaction to relatively minor setbacks.
But sometimes not. "Suicide is not what people think -- there often are no warning signs," says Michael Bradley, psychologist and author of Yes! Your Teen Is Crazy and Yes! Your Parents Are Crazy . "An increasing number of suicides appear to be 'out-of-the-blue' suicides where they simply could not find any indications." He says 15 to 25 percent of adolescent suicides are without obvious warnings, but others put the figure as high as 50 percent. A child can look fine, can be president of the student council or a high-achieving athlete, can appear contented and well-adjusted, in a way that gives no indication of their inner turmoil.
"Adolescents are not small adults, they're large children, and we forget that," he says. "Ages 13-18 is where the real game of creating the adult is afoot, for this is when humans can actually begin to develop real values, beliefs, and codes of conduct. Consequently I argue that the most vital parenting years are not the first five, but the last."
Dr. David Shaffer, MD, professor of Psychiatry and Pediatrics at Columbia College of Physicians and Surgeons, says this doesn't suggest that such suicides are nothing more than regrettable spontaneous acts. Usually, he says, an underlying -- but undetected -- psychiatric disorder was at play, whether it be anxiety disorder or other relatively common afflictions of adolescents, particularly what is being called "perfectionism," the excessive desire of the child to do well and please others.
Identifying Perfectionism
Dr. Gordon Flett, PhD, psychology professor at York University in Canada and author of a number of studies on the dangers of perfectionism, identifies four types of perfectionism:
1. Self-oriented perfectionism, in which there exist exceedingly high self standards and a drive to achieve personal, absolute goals.
2. Other-oriented perfectionism, characterized by demanding perfection from others, which can cause great interpersonal conflict.
3. Socially prescribed perfectionism, in which the perception (which may or may not be the case) is that others or society expects perfection and has imposed these demands on the self.
4. Perfectionistic self-presentation, characterized by the need to seem perfect and to avoid revealing imperfections in public.
"One of the problems is that even when the perfectionist is highly accomplished, he or she may not have any satisfaction with the accomplishments because the standards for self-evaluation are grossly inflated," Flett says. "We are quite concerned that some adolescents if they are perfectionistic and suicidal may 'put on a happy face' and never let down their guard, so the people around them may think that everything is fine when it is just the opposite."
The phenomenon is so common, Flett explains, that it has a name: Richard Cory Suicides, named for the famous poem about a man who seemed perfectly contented until the night he took his own life.
The New Warning Signs ...
As a result, some experts are suggesting new things to look for -- much more subtle signs that might suggest a child is prone to depression or suicide -- and things we can do to help defuse those triggers.
One suggestion, according to Dr. Shaffer, will benefit the kid who is obviously overworked but has rejected a parent's suggestion to relax. "When you see that the balance of a child's life is out, that they seem to be getting excessively worked up about this kind of thing, this is usually an indication of needing to get checked out," he says.
Bradley offers his own tips for what to do next: "If the kid is non-communicative, try to get them to see a counselor. First, offer that option; if they refuse, softly start to turn up the pressure. Say, 'Go one time and I'll stop bugging you.' Third, bribe them, offer an incentive -- 'I tell you what, see the shrink a couple of times and I'll get you those concert tickets' -- because sometimes that's what they need to get past their own resistance. Giving them a bribe may give them an excuse to go see the shrink. Sometimes they'll tell us things they won't tell the parents. The worst thing that happens is you waste a couple of sessions and a couple of fees, but it can be a lifesaver."
Another suggestion is to openly discuss suicide with your kids, just as we teach kids about drug use or sexual activity. "It's exactly the same drill," says Bradley. "You're equipping the child to handle something they might encounter in the future." He advises seizing the opportunity of a celebrity's suicide attempt or a relevant local news story as a natural motive for discussing it. If that fails, he says, just "take your kid out for coffee and say, 'Have you ever thought about killing yourself?' Raise that question... Get her to talk as much as she's willing on the subject with additional questions about her views and beliefs, and don't shut her up by preaching about your own."
One final suggestion Bradley offers has to do with failure, which he says has taken on a gravity in today's children that is inappropriate and unforgiving. Failure is okay, says Bradley, because it teaches resilience. "It's important that parents talk to their kids about expecting them to fail and talking about their own failures. Some kids think parents can't handle it when their children fail. Those kids become so ashamed -- they think their worth to their parent is their achievement level."
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Teachers Links
Advocacy, Education and Support ... NAMI ... the National Organization
Check out their Family to Family Education Program,
Great Fact Sheets and additional links.
Advocacy, Education and Support ... NAMI Ohio ... the State Organization
Check out their family education programs ...
Hand to Hand ... AND ... Family to Family!!!
Amazing ... Fun, safe sites for Kids
Syndicated newspaper columnist, Barbara Feldman's, "Surfing the Net" Site created just for kids and their parents ...
Anxiety Disorders in Children
Listing of various forms of Anxiety Disorders. What parents can do to help their child.
Asperger Syndrome
Parent to Parent site for families experiencing Asperger Syndrome in a loved family member ...
Autism and/or Behavioral Problems Innovative Techniques
Using a color coded system, Pupils are shown stick figures
on Green cards that reinforce positive behaviors; on red cards to discourage inappropriate behaviors. A simple effective program!!!
Bipolar Depression in Teens
This site categorically lists the symptoms of Bipolar Depression in our Young Adults. Additional links are found at this site ...
Bipolar Child
A definitive and reassuring guide to childhood's most misunderstood disorder. Great newsletters and links!
BiPolar Child Individual Education Plan (IEP)
A model IEP ... one that specifically addresses the seasonal variation in mood, energy, attention, motivation and behaviour.
Childhood Depression
This site identifies the symptoms of this childhood onset brain disorder.
Childhood Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation
Education of the general public and professional community in regard to
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder ...
Childhood Schizophrenia
This disorder is rare in children. However, this site describes the symptoms and early warning signs of childhood onset Schizophrenia.
Childhood/Adolescent Depression ... Use of Medication in Treatment
This newly launched web site includes a fact sheet for families titled
"The Use of Medication in Treating Childhood and Adolescent Depression:
Information for Patients and Families." The fact sheet includes practical
advice for families.
The ParentsMedGuide.org web site also includes a guide for physicians on treating depression in children and adolescents, offering information on treatment alternatives and the latest science and research findings.
Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder
Science-based, evidence-based information about AD/HD for parents, educators, the media and the general public.
Depression in Teens
Help in identifying & treating teen depression.
Depression/Columbia University TeenScreen Program
The Columbia University TeenScreen Program is an adolescent mental health and suicide-screening initiative active in 40 states. By helping communities establish programs in schools, doctors’ offices, juvenile justice facilities and other youth organizations, and collaborating with legislators, administrators, and advocates to promote mental health screenings throughout the country, we hope to offer a mental health check-up to every teenager in America.
Depression/Teen Depression & Suicide
Understanding teen depression and its role in teen suicide.
Education/Beyond High School ... Transitioning to College
Comparison of High School classroom expectations with College classroom expectations.
Education/Book ... My Uncle Keith Died
Carol Loehr's book, My Uncle Keith Died, is for families impacted by suicide. The book helps to meet a need that we believe exists for families with children. The book explains how depression can hurt people and how even young people can find help for friends that may be depressed.
Education/Eating Disorders Resource Catalogue
Articles on Recovery ...
Basic Facts about
Eating Disorders ...
Newsletters ...
Self-Help Books ...
Professional Texts ...
Educational Videos ...
Internet Resources ...
National Organizations ...
Treatment Facilities ...
Education/Focus on Learning
If your child is having difficulty in school, she/he may learn differently from other kids. If you aren't sure what to do ... start here!!!
Laws ... Ohio Legal Rights Services
The mission of the OLRS is to protect and guarantee the human, civil and legal rights of Ohio's citizens with disabilities. The young, the old and all in between. Check it out!!!
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